The Abuser’s “Needs” Are a Moving Target
You don’t have to keep chasing peace. It’s not your job to meet impossible demands.
The Target Keeps Moving—On Purpose
If you’ve ever felt like you just can’t get it right, no matter how hard you try, you’re not alone.
You clean the kitchen, but it wasn’t done the right way.
You’re affectionate, but now you’re too clingy.
You give space, and suddenly you’re cold and distant.
Every effort to meet their needs is met with a shift, a twist, a new condition.
That’s not love. That’s control.
Abusers keep the goalposts moving to make sure you stay off-balance, insecure, and striving for their approval. It's not about having their needs met—it's about keeping you in a state of emotional dependency.
What the Moving Target Looks Like
Abusers don’t usually say, “Here’s what I need, and thank you for meeting it.”
Instead, they leave you guessing, then punish you when you guess wrong.
Here’s how the “moving target” manipulation often shows up:
They rewrite the rules — what was okay yesterday isn’t okay today.
They withhold affection or approval unless you perform perfectly.
They claim you’re the problem, no matter how many changes you make.
They invent new expectations just as you meet the old ones.
They change their narrative to stay in control of the relationship dynamic.
You find yourself thinking, If I can just do everything right, maybe we’ll finally have peace.
But peace was never the point for them—control was.
Why You Keep Trying to Please Them
You're not foolish for trying. You’ve likely been conditioned to believe:
Their mood is your responsibility.
You can prevent the next outburst.
If you change yourself, the relationship will work.
Meeting their “needs” proves your love and value.
But the truth is: They’re not looking for a solution. They’re feeding off your effort.
The more you chase their approval, the more powerful they feel.
The Cost of Chasing the Moving Target
Constantly trying to meet shifting demands will:
Drain your energy and joy
Erase your own needs and identity
Create chronic anxiety and self-doubt
Leave you feeling like you're always “failing,” even when you're trying your hardest
Eventually, you stop recognizing yourself—because your life has become about someone else’s expectations.
You Must Stop Chasing the Target
This is hard to hear, but healing requires it:
You must stop trying to make them happy.
Not because they don’t matter—but because they’re using your compassion against you.
Letting go of that chase doesn’t make you unloving. It makes you clear, grounded, and free.
What to Do Instead
Recognize the pattern.
Write it down. Name the shifting rules. See the cycle for what it is.
Set your own standards.
What do you need to feel safe and whole? That’s what matters now.
Detach from their approval.
Their praise is a trap. Don’t rely on it to feel worthy.
Reclaim your energy.
Pour your effort into healing, not appeasing.
Remind yourself daily:
“Their changing demands are not my responsibility. I no longer chase what was never meant to be caught.”
You Deserve Better Than This Game
Abuse is not always loud. Sometimes it’s silent exhaustion from trying so hard to “earn” love that keeps moving out of reach.
You don’t have to chase anymore.
You don’t have to perform to be loved.
You are worthy now. Just as you are. Just as you’ve always been.
Let today be the day you stop running—and start reclaiming your peace.
xo, Denalee