When Jokes Are Actually Verbal & Emotional Abuse

Not all abuse is loud, threatening, or obvious. Sometimes, it’s delivered with a smirk and followed by, “Geez, I was just joking.”

Not Funny

When jokes are used to undermine, belittle, or control you, they’re not jokes at all — they’re verbal and emotional abuse disguised as humor. This tactic is a subtle but deeply harmful way of chipping away at your self-worth while shielding the abuser from accountability.

You might hear:

• “You’d be gorgeous if you lost 10 pounds. Kidding!”

• “Wow, you’re so emotional. I’m just teasing!”

• “You really can’t take a joke, can you?”

• “I’m just trying to lighten the mood. You’re so serious.”

These so-called jokes are often personal digs, criticisms, or passive-aggressive attacks wrapped in sarcasm. They allow the abuser to:

• Say something cruel without taking responsibility

• Flip the script and make you seem like the problem

• Maintain control by destabilizing your confidence

• Gaslight you into thinking you’re too sensitive

The damage is real. Over time, you may begin to feel confused, silenced, or ashamed for reacting at all. You may laugh along just to keep the peace — while your spirit quietly shrinks.

Here’s the truth:

If it hurts, it matters.
If it feels cruel, it likely is.
If the humor comes at your expense, it’s not funny — it’s abusive.

You deserve to be spoken to with kindness, not mockery. You are allowed to set boundaries around how people talk to you — even if they call it a joke.

You don’t have to tolerate cruelty disguised as comedy. Ever.