Yes, It IS Possible to Be Safely Boundaried in an Abusive Relationship
In an ideal world, boundaries would be respected. Period.
But if you’re in an abusive relationship, you already know: this isn’t an ideal world.
Still, here’s the truth most people won’t say out loud:
It is possible to set and maintain boundaries even while still inside an abusive relationship — but only when done with safety, strategy, and emotional clarity.
This isn’t about fixing the relationship.
This is about protecting yourself inside of it.
Why Would You Stay?
People often ask:
“If it’s abusive, why don’t you just leave?”
But those of us who’ve lived it know — it’s not that simple.
You may still be inside the relationship because:
You’re financially dependent
Staying safely helps you honor your values
You’re co-parenting or legally entangled
You're planning a safe exit strategy
You’re emotionally tethered by an exploitative connection
You’re still holding onto hope (which is a deeply human thing)
Or you’re choosing your best option, for now, between two horrible choices
Being boundaried doesn’t mean you're staying forever. It means you're reclaiming your sense of self—right now, right here.
What “Safely Boundaried” Really Means in Abuse
Boundaries in a safe relationship are about mutual respect.
Boundaries in an abusive relationship are about self-protection.
In this context, being boundaried might look like:
Emotional disengagement: You no longer react when provoked. You remain calm, knowing their chaos isn’t yours.
Mental detachment: You stop overexplaining, defending, or arguing your perspective to “be understood.”
Physical boundaries: You choose not to share your plans, whereabouts, or feelings. Privacy becomes safety.
Energetic conservation: You stop pouring into a person who drains you. You become highly protective of your time and energy.
It’s not about being combative. It’s about being smart.
5 Safe Ways to be Boundaried While Still Inside the Relationship
Here’s how to begin creating those boundaries — without escalating danger:
1. Master the Communication & Disengagement
Become uninteresting to your abuser. Respond with brief, neutral replies. Don’t feed their need for drama or reaction. This helps you stay emotionally regulated and makes it harder for them to manipulate you.
2. Detach from the Illusion of Influence
Stop trying to change them. It won’t work, and it will exhaust you. Recognize what’s within your control (your choices, your responses, your mindset) and let go of the rest.
3. Control What You Share
You don’t owe transparency. If sharing something typically leads to guilt-tripping, sabotage, or rage, don’t share it. You’re allowed to hold parts of your life sacred.
4. Build Your Own Life Internally
Even if you’re physically stuck, build a rich internal world. Reconnect with music, prayer, journaling, goals. Make small empowering decisions daily that remind you: I still belong to myself.
5. Create a Support Network Quietly
Even if you haven’t disclosed the abuse fully, begin surrounding yourself with safe people — a therapist, a coach, a trusted friend. Isolation is one of abuse’s greatest tools. Connection is one of your greatest lifelines.
You Don’t Have to Be Loud to Be Boundaried
Many think boundaries have to be declared:
"I won't tolerate this anymore!"
But in abuse, that’s rarely safe.
Personal boundaries—the quiet, internal ones—are just as powerful.
They don’t stop the abuse. But they stop your participation in it.
You stop reacting.
You stop explaining.
You stop believing the lies about yourself.
You stop giving energy to a person who feeds off your pain.
And that is a form of freedom.
Yes, you’re still in it.
Yes, they’re still hurtful.
Yes, the chaos may still swirl around you.
But you can still draw a line around your soul.
A line that says: “You don’t get to define who I am anymore.”
Being safely boundaried in an abusive relationship is possible — not perfect, not easy — but possible.
And every internal boundary you set is one step closer to the life of peace you deserve.
I’d be honored to help you walk through this.
xo, Denalee