You Can’t Make Them See: Why Seeking Validation from Your Abuser is a Trap
One of the hardest realizations for survivors of emotional abuse is that their abuser will likely never acknowledge the harm they’ve caused. You may spend months or years trying to get them to see your pain, hoping that if they understand, they’ll finally change. But this pursuit only keeps you stuck.
Why Abusers Won’t Acknowledge the Pain They Cause
Denial and Deflection: Admitting wrongdoing would require them to take responsibility, which goes against their need for control.
Gaslighting as a Defense Mechanism: They convince you that you’re overreacting or imagining things to keep you questioning yourself.
Fear of Losing Control: If they admit their behavior is abusive, they risk losing the power they have over you.
What Happens When You Try to Get Them to Understand and Acknowledge?
It doesn’t take long to get sucked into a circular, abusive conversation where the abuser uses DARVO, and many other abusive technics on you. By the time you break free, instead of feeling validated and understood, you feel confused and beat up. That’s because you were just emotionally pummeled.
If your abuser has been acting kindly lately, so you think it might be a good time to “bring it up,” think twice. The abuser’s kind actions are love-bombing and they’re not going to last. Especially if they are asked to acknowledge any wrong doing.
Save yourself from an abusive episode. Share with trusted family and friends. Write in your journal. Join my free support group. Go for a run and cry it out. But PLEASE don’t seek validation from your abuser!