Boundaries Are Your Protective Actions — Not Rules for Someone Else to Follow
We often hear that setting boundaries means “telling someone what they can and can’t do.” But true boundaries aren’t about controlling others — they’re about protecting yourself.
A boundary is not a demand.
It’s not “You’re not allowed to yell at me.”
It’s “If you yell at me, I will leave the conversation.”
The difference? One tries to manage someone else’s behavior. The other defines your own action in response to what’s unacceptable.
Boundaries are about:
Identifying what’s harmful to your emotional, physical, or mental safety
Choosing how you will respond when that harm shows up
Following through with your protective action — whether or not they understand or agree (In fact it’s better to not even share your boundaries with the abuser)
In abusive relationships, boundaries often get twisted into power struggles.
You may hear:
“You’re trying to control me.”
“You’re being dramatic.”
“So I can’t say anything without you leaving?”
But here’s the truth: You’re not trying to control them. You’re finally choosing not to be controlled.
When someone repeatedly crosses your boundaries, your response isn’t to convince them to stop — it’s to follow through on what you said you’ll do to protect yourself.
And that might mean walking away.
Changing the subject.
Turning off your phone.
Leaving the room.
Ending the relationship.
You can’t control their choices. But you can choose your own.