Covert Abuse—When Harm Hides Behind Excuses
Covert Abuse—When Harm Hides Behind Excuses.
Covert abuse is often overlooked because it’s not always loud, not always bruising, and not always easy to name. But make no mistake—it is calculated, dangerous, and deeply damaging.
Covert abuse thrives in denial and confusion. It's subtle, indirect, and wrapped in just enough plausibility that even you might second-guess what just happened.
Covert Physical Abuse
This includes:
Blocking doorways so you can’t leave a room
“Accidentally” bumping into you during arguments
Violently tickling you until you beg them to stop, then mocking you for being “too sensitive”
These actions are often followed by denial or blame: “You’re being dramatic,” “It was just a joke,” “You’re imagining things.”
It Doesn’t Always Look Like Physical Abuse
Using the Kids as Pawns
There is a threat to you when the abuser is hurting the children. They are your greatest vulnerability, and abuser is aware of that.
Throwing or Punching Things
They may not hit you, but when they throw objects or punch walls, the message is clear: “You’re next.” These are threats wrapped in denial: “I would never hurt you. I was just mad.”
Covert Threats
Some threats aren’t direct, but they land all the same:
“I’d hate for you to lose the kids.”
“No one will believe you.”
“Be careful what you say next.”
They might never say “I’ll hurt you,” but they don’t have to. You feel the warning. You freeze. And that’s exactly the point.
So what can you do?
Stop excusing the behavior. Trust your body’s response—it senses danger long before your mind can name it.
Document everything. Dates, actions, your feelings—even if you’re unsure it “counts.”
Reclaim your space. If it’s safe to do so, don’t let yourself be cornered. Step aside, stand tall, leave the room.
Build a safety net. Find safe people—friends, family, professionals—who can affirm your experience and help you form a plan.
Don’t wait for it to escalate. Covert abuse is abuse. You don’t need a broken bone to justify taking care of yourself.
You deserve safety—not just from bruises, but from intimidation. Not just from threats, but from fear.