The Illusion of Change: Why They Say They’ll Do Better But Never Do
It’s called “future faking” and abusers are really, really good at it.
Future Faking: The Very Convincing Illusion of Change
Many survivors of abusive relationships cling to hope that their abuser will change. Promises of transformation, therapy, and newfound awareness often keep victims trapped. But why do these promises rarely materialize? Their future-faking (or promises to change) are not heart-felt; they are simply one abusive tactic that abusers use to keep you in their control. And for those victim/survivors who deeply desire an improved relationship, it’s easy to believe their tears, promises, and gifts.
5 Signs Their Promises Aren’t Real:
Their actions contradict their words.
They blame you for their past behavior.
Change only lasts as long as you’re compliant.
They demand your patience while they 'work on it.'
They shift the goalposts—moving from one excuse to another.
Real change requires deep, internal transformation, accountability, and consistent action over time. If someone truly wanted to change, they wouldn’t need to convince you; you’d see it in their behavior.
Can an Abuser Change?
Yep. But they have to really want to change. Watch their patterns. When their patterns of promises kept and kindness and good treatment are not interrupted by abusive episodes, that is the time you can start to believe them.